Self-Care tips for sensitive women - and what often gets in the way –

We all know the importance of self-care. In this post I’ll talk about why it is especially important for sensitive women and also why it is often easier said than done.

But first here is a little menu of self-care options that in my experience are particularly helpful and nourishing, especially when your nervous system is already a bit on edge.

And if self-care comes easy to you, just take your pick and enjoy!

*       Full body rest: In my opinion this is the most overlooked part of self-care practices. Our minds often go to the idea of ‘doing something for ourselves’, which in itself can feel stressful. So, if your cup is empty and everything is too much, I invite you to take yourself to bed or lie down on the couch. Make sure you are comfortable, not too warm, not too cold, darken the room, use earplugs if needed to block out noise. You can even put a sleep mask on or put a cloth over your eyes to make it completely dark. Sleep if you want to or just enjoy the sense of your nervous system winding down.

*       Inside me-time: Find a comfy spot in your home where you can be undisturbed for the length of time that you have available and spend time with something you enjoy. Some ideas are reading or re-reading a favourite book, drawing or doodling, listening to music that you enjoy, following a favourite guided meditation, sitting with a cuppa while looking out of the window, taking a bath or a shower, cuddling your pet, even watching a favourite movie. Anything that fills your cup and also relaxes your nervous system.

*       Outside me-time: Similar to before this one is not about going on a strenuous hike but more about finding a spot in nature where you can sit or wander to come back to your Self. It might be bench in a local park or a favourite spot on the beach, where you can find some peace and quiet, be comfortable and feel some connection with nature. You might want to bring your journal, your drawing book, a cup of tea or a little picnic, anything that brings you some ease and joy.

*       Move: If you don’t feel like being still or quiet, choosing a movement that suits your mood can be really yummy and settling. You might have a favourite yoga practice or a walk/ run that you love doing, or maybe a swim or dancing to some music you love feels right. It can be helpful to choose something you are familiar with, so that you can relax into the movement instead of trying to learn something new but trust your own knowing.

*       Connect: Another important part of self-care can be meeting our need for connection. Sometimes we feel off and empty because we haven’t spent quality time with other people in a way that feels good and meaningful. As humans we are social beings and our nervous systems are wired for connection, even if we are sensitive and introverted, spending time with another attuned adult can feel incredibly settling and increases our sense of safety in the world. Needing connection is part of being human. If possible, make time to meet or call a friend. Maybe there is a women’s circle in your area or online that you enjoy being part of. If that is not accessible it can bring a sense of connection to interact with likeminded people in a more passive way. For example by listening to a podcast or reading a book on a subject that deeply resonates or reading good quality content on the internet.

*       Pottering: Sometimes it’s hard to find something enjoyable to do, maybe nothing feels quite right and the idea of being still doesn’t feel good. In these times I find pottering incredibly helpful. Maybe it’s sorting out the spice rack or the sock drawer or something bigger like rearranging a room. The sense of creating order and beauty on the outside is a great way to feel more soothed and settled on the inside.

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Now that we have looked at some of the many options available, lets dive into why self-care is so incredibly important especially for women who are highly sensitive or just more on the sensitive side of the continuum.

As Alaine Aaron and her husband have researched and written about extensively, there are 4 qualities that come with the trait of high sensitivity.

The first quality is processing things deeply. This can look like reflecting and thinking about upcoming events and decisions or even past decisions, as well as conversations and experiences you have had with others. So it is important to build in time to just process information without new information coming in.

The second quality of being highly sensitive is often feeling easily overstimulated by your environment. Noises, lights, lots of changes, deadlines and many other things can contribute to feeling overstimulated, which makes self-care crucial to create some balance and respite from external factors that are often out of our control.

The third quality is called emotional intensity. This includes feeling your own emotions and also other people’s emotions more strongly, often being deeply moved by things like a beautiful sunset, watching a movie or the events that happen in the world. This quality can be an incredible gift because it comes with a felt sense of appreciation for and connection with the world around you, but it can take a lot of energy. Combined with the fact that it’s not something that can be switched off and on at will, makes taking time out for yourself non-negotiable.

The fourth quality of the trait is called sensory sensitivity, which for example could show up in the way that you naturally pick up subtle changes around you and also inside you which again results in more incoming information that then needs to be processed.

In summary all these qualities make it very clear why self-care is so important for sensitive women and why the impact of not taking care of yourself is so strong.

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So, why is it that we keep pushing ourselves far and beyond what is good for us and ultimately others? Why is it so hard to stop? Let’s look beyond the short answer of “I just don’t have the time”.

*       The too hard basket: If we leave making arrangements for our personal time to the last minute it can lead to the feeling that it’s just too hard. It can be really helpful to have a rough plan ahead of time when it comes to self-care. For example, you might want to take an hour or two off on a weekend morning and have some ideas ready for different kinds of self-care, depending on how you feel on the day. This could look like thinking about what books you are currently enjoying, making a date with a friend, pre-selecting a few yoga videos ready to go.

*       To stop ‘doing’ might not feel that good: Stopping can be hard because doing feels good. Ticking things off our to do list is rewarding and releases Dopamine, the feel-good hormone, therefore not doing can feel a bit ‘meh’. It is important to remember that this kind of ‘feeling good’ is not sustainable and only superficially rewarding, it also comes with the price of exhaustion and overwhelm.

*       Pausing can bring up uncomfortable feelings: The other reason why doing feels good is because it distracts us. When we are busy, we don’t have to pay attention to our thoughts and feelings that might be bubbling in the background. Maybe it’s that ongoing problem with a family member, that health concern, the financial pressure we are under, the nagging feeling of self-doubt or loneliness.

*       Taking time for ourselves can feel selfish: As women most of us have been raised for generations to put others first. We might even have been told that doing something just for ourselves is selfish. This could not be further from the truth. The reality is that to be there for others well we have to take care of ourselves first.

*       The challenge of saying ‘No’: To be able to make time for self-care you might have to say no to someone or something, which can be challenging. Especially for sensitive women, who are acutely aware of other people’s feelings. It might help to take small steps, for example by starting with scheduling the time for yourself early in the morning or in the evening when saying no is not required. Once you and maybe the people around you have experienced the benefit of you taking care of yourself it might become easier to negotiate times that need negotiating.

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I hope having read some of the reasons that get in the way of self-care is helpful to you. Helpful to remember why it’s not simply a matter of ‘just doing it’ and if you resonate with any of the things that can get in the way I invite you to acknowledge how difficult it can be to feel stuck in endless doing, exhaustion and overwhelm. And you are not alone in this.

If you are feeling stuck in doing and overwhelm here are some small ways to get started. If it feels good pick one, otherwise just have a read and notice what stands out as a possibility in the future.

*       When you have a shower, see if you can extend the time by 30seconds or a minute and just feel the sensation of the warm water on your skin, if that is something that feels good to you. Only do this for as long as it actually feels good, no forcing.

*       Set the intention to notice when you feel thirsty, hungry or needing to go to the bathroom. If you do notice, take care of what you need. That is self-care.

*       If there are times in your day when you have to wait for people, maybe at school pick up, or waiting for the bus, set the intention to check in with yourself how you’d like to spend that time. Maybe you want to stay in the car, close your eyes for a moment and take a few slow breaths, maybe you are outside and can enjoy looking at the sky, noticing the air on your skin or you might feel like having a little chat with the person next to you. The point is to pay attention to what you need and even just doing that for a few seconds is self-care.

Take good care!